Rejecting Self Betrayal

Those of us who grew up in evangelical Christianity are familiar with Jesus’ words that instruct us to deny ourselves, take up our crosses and follow Him.  These words tell us of the cost of being on the Jesus way.  They remind us that life is centered on kingdom purposes.  They are an important correction to a self-centered way of living.  

But, they can also be widely misread and distorted.  

I grew up believing that denying oneself meant eliminating who I was and what I needed.  I believed that I did not matter in the equation of life decisions.  If there was a decision to be made, I thought that I must always and only think about how that decision would impact the other person and not consider self at all. I trained myself to remove my own personhood from consideration.  In short, I was well practiced in self-betrayal. 

I don’t think I am alone. I think that many of us who have hearts tuned into needs around us struggle with this.  We haven’t quite figured out that if our neighbor is valuable to God, then WE are too.  We do not know how to matter and keep letting others matter to us.  We are not sure that we can.  

I have been fascinated to discover that the mystics of old had a consistent and particular focus on the idea of discovering one’s true self.  They asserted that when one did that, one better understood God.  This is an intriguing idea and it surfaces over and over again in the writings of contemplatives, both ancient and modern.  Discovering one’s true self is key to discovering God.  

We are made in the image of God.  He has placed something of the divine expression inside of each of us.  Our souls are holy places; places where God meets with us, reveals Himself to us and reveals US to us.  Our souls are not to be extinguished.  They are to be fully lived into and offered to God, even as He offers them back to us in the process of being transformed more fully into wholeness. Without a self to know, there is no self to deny.

Denying self does not mean extinguishing self.  It does not mean betraying what I know to be most real and true within.  It means that I follow Jesus with all that I have, even when it is costly, my self remaining fully intact and whole as I do so.  It is not noble to pretend and disconnect from what is truly within me.  It is dishonest.  

There are many times when God asks us, by life or by others, to do what we do not want to do.  It’s just a part of everyone’s journey.  Can we find a way to be true to both God and our own souls even when we are denying ourselves?  Can we embrace wholeness as we realize that self-denial and self-betrayal can be two very different things?  I think this is possible and the Spirit within us is able to lead the way!